More Sex @ SXSWi, this time with Keely Kolmes, Psy.D. Keely is a clinical psychologist in private practice in San Francisco, who has worked part-time as a Staff Psychologist at Counseling and Psychological Services at Stanford University for the past five years. Keely says, “I have been living my life online since 1993. Prior to becoming a psychologist, I worked in computer tech support. My 2009 SXSW Core Conversation, “Therapy 2.0: Mental Health for Geeks,” will be co-presented with Thomas Roche on Tuesday, March 17th at 3:30pm in Room 5B. We will focus on staying mentally healthy in an online world. You’re invited to come share your experiences.” I asked Keely exactly what I would ask were I in the audience (now you can have time to share, too).

MGG: Living a part of one’s life online, even what that doesn’t include sex, can bring on enormous stress that doesn’t even always seem real or reasonable to the person going through it.  As a psychotherapist, how do you help the people that you work with normalize that stress?

Keely Kolmes: This is a big question, and an interesting one since, as a psychologist, I’d first want to gain a fuller understanding about the source of that stress and how it is manifesting in my client’s life. Is the source of stress internal, external, or both?

For starters, it would be useful to understand how my client is conceptualizing her online life. For some, there is a seamless integration between online and offline existence, but this is certainly not true for everyone. I like to have a comprehensive sense of my client’s relationship boundaries, level of privacy, and whether or not she is engaging in activities that cause her any embarrassment or regret. Also, some people consider their public online self to be a character or just an aspect of their personality while others do not compartmentalize it at all. I think it’s really important for both therapist and client to have clear, mutual understandings about these things, or it’s easy to make incorrect assumptions.

That said, assuming my client is comfortable with her online behavior, boundaries, and self, then learning ways to manage that stress is something we would work on. We would focus on building support and community. I’d want to make sure she is finding safe spaces with her partner/s and family. We’d work on relaxation skills and stress management techniques which could include breathing exercises, meditation, physical exercise, or yoga. We might work on whether issues of control and information management need to be a focus of attention. I think this can be hard for many people who are trying to straddle having both public and private lives. People can feel incredibly anxious and responsible for moderating their reputations when it’s really not possible to control all the information that is out there about you.

Lastly, we might talk about whether it makes sense to filter the influx of outside criticism and scrutiny. For some, it’s useful to limit activities that involve reviewing one’s own online press. Or it may be helpful to have structured, set times when that is done with more mindfulness so it minimizes interference with other enjoyable parts of your life (i.e.–not before bed, not first thing in the morning, not before dinner with your partner, etc.). I think this is one of the most challenging aspects of online culture: in an instant, when doing a seemingly mindless thing like checking email, one can see something that causes an intense emotional response. But people can develop healthier habits that create a bit more personal space, relaxation, and joy.

MGG: When I was going through my own breakup online this past year, it was challenging to make sense of painful moments — that could have happened in a flash between Twitter updates — to people who just aren’t part of that culture, for whatever totally justified reasons.  On the other hand, leaning on online-friends for support in an online drama can be just as isolating and claustrophobic.  What sorts of support do you advocate those of us who do have a sex or dating life online cultivate and lean on in those moments?

Keely Kolmes: I think a lot of my answers to the first question could apply here in terms of noticing habits that create agitation and those that create nurturing and calm. You acknowledge how isolating and claustrophobic it can feel to lean on one’s online friends. With clients who are experiencing Breakup 2.0 issues, we may talk about whether it is helpful to temporarily de-friend the ex and their close friends. I sometimes talk to clients about putting a limit on self-injurious behaviors like looking at an ex’s profiles, photos, or other activities. This can hard for some people, especially when information is so easily accessible and if the ex is very public with her or his online activities.

Some people get anxious about what it means to de-friend people in the shared community and whether this could negatively affect social ties. If this is a serious concern, I encourage sending a brief note, saying “My relationship with so-and-so has shifted and I’m taking some space. Please know it’s not personal. Hope we can reconnect soon.” This is fairly neutral, doesn’t ask people to take sides, and I think most people with any empathy would understand that. In more extreme cases, I have worked with some clients about taking a temporary leave of absence from some of the social networks that may be triggering. But this can also create a sense of deprivation or a serious loss of access to support too, so it isn’t for everyone.

MGG: There’s just too much airtime paid to fears that the internet is at best, an alienating place that reduces our ability to connect and be intimate, and at its worst, is a dangerous place where exposure to sexual violence is assumed to be the norm.  Flipping all of that — what potential do you see for the internet to deepen relationships, expand our capacity for affection and pleasure, and increase our skills and experience around sexuality?

Keely Kolmes: I absolutely believe that for many, the internet is creating more ways to stay and feel connected and this can deepen a relationship and create a more rich experience of sexuality. If you have a job where you are able to do email, video chat, or IM during the day, you may have greater access to your lover than you did in the days when you went off to your separate jobs and then reconnected again at the end of the day. You also may be able to incorporate sexy or loving exchanges during your day. I think this provides a greater sense of intimacy for many people.

Also, while I encourage improving the face-to-face, verbal communication of needs between sexual partners, some people find it much easier to introduce their sexual desires and interests through internet communication. People are sharing videos, photos, and stories that they find erotic. They are playing with fantasies, role-play scenarios, and other potentially taboo desires. The internet may feel like a safer space to begin some of these conversations. If computer-mediated communication allows some people to express things in their relationships, and this leads to greater intimacy and satisfaction when they reconnect face-to-face, I think we can agree that this is a good thing! And, of course, many people are using the net to deliberately seek partners with mutual sexual interests (along with other hobbies and pursuits). These days, it is becoming much easier to utilize online personal ads and search criteria to find compatible partners, rather than the pre-internet days when it may have seemed more like random luck if you found someone who liked the same activities that you do.

MGG: What are the signs that the person you’re dating is pretty good at the whole dating-you-on-the-internet-too thing?  Do you negotiate who can blog what, or posts photos where?  What are some of those good habits we can emulate?

I believe that negotiation skills are key here, and nothing can substitute for good communication. The challenge is that people are having to communicate more and more about things that were previously never an issue! Definitely, checking-in before blogging, tweeting, posting on someone’s Facebook wall, reporting someone’s whereabouts, or posting (and tagging) public photos is good form. Not only can this be important socially, but it can potentially have an effect on your date’s work or family life if their social and dating activity is visible to their boss, co-workers, parents, or siblings. So it’s always a good idea to check.

I hear complaints about folks going on dates with someone, taking pictures of that person on the date, and then weeks later, seeing that person using those pictures in their online personal ads. Even if you no longer want to date that person, this can feel really violating. It can feel like those few dates (or photos) were appropriated just to cruise for other sexual or romantic partners and can feel very disrespectful.

Also, negotiating around when to friend people who you’re introduced to during internet dating can be good practice. Some people may not appreciate it if you meet some friends of theirs on the third date, and the next day, you are Facebook pals with their friends.  Or the person you’ve just started dating may not feel ready to add you as a friend on some of your shared social networks. Again, we need new etiquette guides and better communication skills for this sort of thing.

Of course, one way to assess someone’s skills at managing online dating is to look at what they do show on their various sites. Are they showing too much for your tastes? Not enough? Are they respectful in their blogging habits if they write about relationships? Do you have similar ideas of discretion?  It can be extremely challenging to date someone who blogs or posts Flickr photos of all of their dates if you are a much more private person. One of my recommended methods of figuring out if someone is good at managing their dating relationships is finding out if they are still friends with their exes, by which I mean real friends, not just Twitter pals. If someone seems unable to maintain a single friendly tie with anyone they have dated, it could provide meaningful information about how they connect with and treat people.

(Photo: Jason Schultz)