First, be good enough to pick up a global unlocked phone from your local cell phone speakeasy. I’ve had a Nokia 7610 for a year and a half right now, and even in its current state (abused, with bastardized Frankenfaceplates, and after having got come upon and dropped in gutters and not to mention the video its shot), the folks at T-Mobile didn’t totally turn up their noses when I brought it in for a pre-flight checkup. If your phone isn’t unlocked, get it unlocked already. You might feel like a big pirate for asking, but T-Mobile offered without me even suggesting, and for $25, and that’s only if you haven’t been a subscriber for more than 90 days already.

Also, don’t panic when you get no bars of coverage upon landing in that beautifully-designed airport. You may be lucky and pick up an international roaming network, but even if you do, you’ll be paying heaps and heaps for the service. Be calm; as popular as you are, you can still wait for your new SIM card to see if you’ve got voicemail.

Next, deal with the fact that 7-11 is everywhere, and try as you might to buy a prepaid mobile SIM card from that seemingly mom and pop place, they don’t carry them. (They do, however, have a large supply of lad mags. Mmm, lad mags. Tits without having to show ID.) 7-11 will have the card you want, and for 50DRK (less than US$10). The network in Denmark is called Lebara, and SMS runs very, very cheap. Good if you’ve put out a call for dirty texts to keep you warm on the road.

Then, settle in with that lad mag you didn’t even have to buy because the cute little cafe you’re sitting in has them stocked, and for free to switch out your SIM cards and then try to program your voicemail. Soft, soft flesh. Soothing, confusing Danish voice prompts. Hit ‘3′ like in the US and hope for the best. Breasts.